Yeah, it's rather rocky, but the internal rhyme and all the near rhymes are a nice effect. You could have a brilliant poem on your hands if you sat this one down and did a dedicated re-write - pick the best lines, fill in the gaps, etc. This is a great start.
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"Life is too important to be taken seriously" - Oscar Wilde
Thank you, I don't do rewrites. My quickies are just to keep my brain from going stale, keep those embers glowing until a spark of some kind ignites a stronger write. I appreciate you taking the time to read and leave such wonderful, detailed replies. ~Lady Poe
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"..I don't care for your fairytales... - Sara Bareilles
Poe, even though you can do better, I too loved the rhyming scheme you used here. :) And the atmosphere and wording you used were wonderful as well. :D
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"Our mothers and fathers held us close to their hearts and they promised 'One bright and shining day my children, we will triumph in battle. One bright and shining day my children, we will give you back your wings.' " - PL: S&W
