*went trampling thru some older poetry folders looking for something to toss into the critique thread, but found this one instead and I kinda like it.*
The Swans Song:
Beneath a paling winter's moon I've come to kneel before the one who Has done nothing less than to consume This wandering, wanting, female swan:
Before his feet, I've placed my heart Promised to play the lovers part No boundaries bar my love nor thwart This flailing, wanting, needing swan:
He cast a look there, to the side A part of me I knew would die If not returned, to me, his eye (and)Take of this giving, living swan:
He raised his brow and shoulder square (then) lowered hand and knee, prepared Took my head within his hands and there Kissed me once, so love prevailed! Surviving this dying, loving swan.
Aww, that's so sweet. I can see your sentimentalness overflowing in these words. :) Very lovely indeed.
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"Our mothers and fathers held us close to their hearts and they promised 'One bright and shining day my children, we will triumph in battle. One bright and shining day my children, we will give you back your wings.' " - PL: S&W
Beneath a paling winter's moon ~location in space makes a great start for any poem. your image just makes us realize how the rest of the poem will go - smooth, romantic, sad, mysterious ... all in a well developed poetic vocabulary ... now let's zoom in!~ I've come to kneel before the one who Has done nothing less than to consume This wandering, wanting, female swan: ~beautiful, I love the way you placed him in the scene! "this wanting female swan" that runs really deep there. I don't understand the ":" though~
Before his feet, I've placed my heart Promised to play the lovers part No boundaries bar my love nor thwart This flailing, wanting, needing swan: ~~beautiful! whole verse was amazing! very nice play of words, especially in the 3rd line!~~
He cast a look there, to the side A part of me I knew would die If not returned, to me, his eye (and)Take of this giving, living swan: ~~~"a look there, to the side" meaning rejection? beautiful thoughts displayed here, great part~~~
He raised his brow and shoulder square (then) lowered hand and knee, prepared Took my head within his hands and there Kissed me once, so love prevailed! Surviving this dying, loving swan. ~~~~Yay! Love prevailed! Idk about the last line... not that it's out of place but I'm not sure what it means... his comeback saved you from the death of your soul? I'm not sure because you put "dying, loving" together... Generally it's a beautiful poem based on a fabulous motif, with a great animal symbol, whole story being displayed amazingly, like only you could have ... aaaand I'm running out of adjectives Keep up with these poems, they make my day ~~~~~
I don't know why you have words in parentheses, but the poem itself flows nicely. Any English major and/or feminist would kill to compare and contrast this to "Leda and the Swan", that's for sure!
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"Life is too important to be taken seriously" - Oscar Wilde
that runs really deep there. I don't understand the ":" though~
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