I've been given the gift of time, to fully view what is laying before me the stakes at hand, the consequences and ultimately the affects. I only know what I feel, here - at the core of my being - that one place you know you've seen and felt, but are so afraid to recognize.
I'm afraid, too. I don't know how to show that without dropping a level of invulernability. I've been reading, spreading my mind to far horizons of understanding and purpose. I've stepped back, ready to shut the door hand poised on the knob, twisting and turning, but something held me back.
Then, I listened to my own rambling mind, I have voices that often times refuse to shut up, no matter how hard I try to strangle them. I know I'm not perfect, and that terrified me. How would you handle my imperfections? Life paves roads with treachery and obstacles. I could never hurt you with intention, I am willing to climb any obstacle.
Now, I wonder what it is that lays before me - togetherness or solitude? And will you unwillingly incorporate one for the other? A journey awaits and I can't seem to believe you do not want to at least tempt it. And this could be the death of me, a slow and painful suicide, hopeless hope and awkward misconceptions.. But what if??
I live in a world of what-ifs and fantasy while all I want, what I cry myself to sleep praying for, is that one real thing. The you that is me that is us, that binds us in a way that is uncanny and intolerable and explicitly sweet.
My mouth moves, my tongue sticks, my voice falls flat. I can't begin to tell you all the things in my mind. Nor, can I define all the things in my heart, but what I can proclaim is that there is a darkened corridor stretching and it is neither warm nor cold, it is neither hate nor love, but it is all of this the same.
I've spent several hours educating myself, and I fear it has only brought a newer kind of anxiety. But I am not ready to let go of the chances - I know fear as well as God knows his children, more so infact. What better way to truly know than to birth the very monstrosity.
I wonder if you remember how you told me you love me. I wonder if you recall the glorious pleasure we've shared. I have insecurities enough to fuel an eternal fire and when you need me most to believe, I fall to doubt. This goes hand in hand - my following your lead and your lead taking you away from me. Am I a thought one day and a valid point with the next breath? Am I a shadow that exists only to give you a dream? With these questions I ask myself, what are you to me? But I know that, I just can't seem to tell you without spiralling you down into that maelstrom and I don't want to be alone. But I digress.
My point: To try to pass on to you that I have learned as much as I can. Questions plague me and I think I do not want to know the answers but curious by nature I know one day I'll end up digging them from their graves, all dusted and moldy. The truth to this rant is that love is a beacon, it is a bouy on the roughest sea, it is the homing of something kinder and gentler that you deserve. If you can't believe it in you, please believe it in me, for I believe it for us both.
Long, but not dull. :) The ending was sweet as well, an "aww" moment. Thanks for sharing this. It made my night. :)
__________________
"Our mothers and fathers held us close to their hearts and they promised 'One bright and shining day my children, we will triumph in battle. One bright and shining day my children, we will give you back your wings.' " - PL: S&W
Thank you. I normally write something and let it fly, but this one demanded attention, I wrote it, went back added more changed this and that, read it again, added more, and polished it over and over. I'm glad you found it not dull and can feel that something at the end that I was hoping to stress. Again, thank you for braving this one. ~Lady Poe
__________________
"..I don't care for your fairytales... - Sara Bareilles
"Our mothers and fathers held us close to their hearts and they promised 'One bright and shining day my children, we will triumph in battle. One bright and shining day my children, we will give you back your wings.' " - PL: S&W
